i had the kind of depression that just made me feel numb-i never felt anything back when i was younger. i didnt feel sad and i never felt anything close to happiness. just a big, black, empty nothing. my hearts been feeling hollow again, but this time im feeling sad about it. must be because ive come such a long way, ive worked so hard to heal from my depression, and after a few years im getting this feeling i unfortunately recognize. im disappointed, i suppose. that seems to be the theme of the past few months

i think this sadness is also related about how hard it is to be vulnerable. like i said, i was very numb back when i was depressed, so i never really allowed myself to self reflect and figure out what the fuck i was feeling.
i get to sit with myself now. i think out loud, i pray, i try to understand and make sense of my feelings. must be why it feels so strange to have this familiar numbness but also trying to access it this time around. its like this new version of me has to deal with something shes never had to before, and trying to approach a familiar feeling in a completely different way.

progress, i guess ?

healing is never linear, i know, i know. i keep reminding myself that.

i dont know if anyone reads my posts. not that it matters, but itd be nice if theres anybody listening to me yell from the other side of this void. stay sexy, whoever you are

its odd to have a presence like you in my life. a non-presence would be a more suitable term i guess... its been forever. ive been trying to think about different people, deposit my yearning and longing and idealizations and illusions into other people but none of them are nothing like you. i know im not supposed to look for you in anyone, and im not, but it really seems like you have every quality i want in someone and how could that possibly be my fault. i really just want to know if youre well. i dont even fucking know if youre alive. its been so long, dont you think you put me through enough shit already? i've apologized more times than i can count, ive ripped my heart off my chest and killed my pride and ego so many times for a sliver of your attention over and over again, and you still wont just fucking talk to me-but always making sure to lovingly answer my questions on your inbox every six months or so. like were strangers. like im nothing more than one of your readers. stupid lamb in the slaughterhouse.

ill keep trying to get over you and ill keep failing until time steals you completely from my memory.
i miss the pictures youd send to show me what youre wearing for class, by the way. you graduated last year. holy shit. its been so fucking long.
those pictures are some of my favourite memories of the time we spent together. im starting to forget the exact shade of green of that skirt that i loved to see you wearing. i hope you can remind me soon, but i highly doubt it.

anyway. ill be here, in complete denial that im still waiting for you, but always conveniently letting you know where to find me

i might be wrong about this, and doing affirmations for a distant/uncertain future might really work for some people, but i personally think that the key for having a good day is simply hoping and manifesting for a better tomorrow. just the next day.

i hope im more disciplined tomorrow than i was today. i hope im more focused tomorrow than i was today. i hope tomorrow i receive better news than i did today. i hope tomorrows more productive than today was.

simple as that- within my reach, palpable, obtainable.

today was good. i managed my time surprisingly well- way better than what im used to. i spent quite sometime making content online and still found willpower to study for nearly two hours, and they were quite productive. im slowly building trust in myself to do the chores i plan to. have been studying for three days straight- it might not seem like a lot, but i really struggle with consistency and i consider it the most important part of learning how to study properly and absorbing what youve learned.

i made myself proud today, and yesterday too. i hope i can be even better tomorrow! i hope tomorrow im able to study for more hours, be more creative and get up a bit earlier

still, im very grateful for today

also isnt this cute?

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i love stars !! ✮
thats it, goodbye for now <3

i feel like ive been paralyzed my entire life. catatonic. waiting for my goals to fall on my lap instead of getting up and chasing after them. im realizing my only real mistake last year was depositing all my happiness and eagerness into only one goal. when i didnt reach it- which is bound to happen from time to time- my mental health came crashing down. ill stop treating my goals like a burden- like everything i have to do to get there is tedious/torturous. ill try to enjoy the ride

it just is what it is man. i guess im really done with it. so strange to feel this of emptiness where longing has been for the past two years. i just magically snapped out of it, it feels like some sort of miracle. i was a firm believer we were meant for each other just three days ago, but now it feels like something in my brain shifted and i cant analyze my past thoughts with anything but skepticism. like what on earth was i on that bitch wants NOTHING to do w me. oh my god im insane

but yeah anyways so

today started really badly and then kept on being awful until my girlfriend texted me around 5 pm and invited me to eat hotdogs at her place. my mood shifted immediately. she really can be good to me sometimes

i had a pretty chill day today. woke up at 7:30am and actually felt good about it, a few hours later had brunch with my gf and everything went really well. the weather was hot as hell, but at least the sky was pretty.. the afternoon came and went and it wasnt anything out of the ordinary, but for some reason im feeling anxious now, at 2:06am. im trying to sleep but i cant, i feel restless and my thoughts are annoying me and i cant seem to dodge them. hopefully my mind will shut up and ill fall asleep soon enough