believersneverdie: (Default)
i had the kind of depression that just made me feel numb-i never felt anything back when i was younger. i didnt feel sad and i never felt anything close to happiness. just a big, black, empty nothing. my hearts been feeling hollow again, but this time im feeling sad about it. must be because ive come such a long way, ive worked so hard to heal from my depression, and after a few years im getting this feeling i unfortunately recognize. im disappointed, i suppose. that seems to be the theme of the past few months

i think this sadness is also related about how hard it is to be vulnerable. like i said, i was very numb back when i was depressed, so i never really allowed myself to self reflect and figure out what the fuck i was feeling.
i get to sit with myself now. i think out loud, i pray, i try to understand and make sense of my feelings. must be why it feels so strange to have this familiar numbness but also trying to access it this time around. its like this new version of me has to deal with something shes never had to before, and trying to approach a familiar feeling in a completely different way.

progress, i guess ?

healing is never linear, i know, i know. i keep reminding myself that.

i dont know if anyone reads my posts. not that it matters, but itd be nice if theres anybody listening to me yell from the other side of this void. stay sexy, whoever you are

diseases

Feb. 12th, 2025 03:25 am
believersneverdie: (Default)
healing isnt linear, i know. im aware problems never go away- therell always be something going terribly wrong in your life and happiness is fleeting. i just wish Some thing would go my way for once. a singular thing. im not even saying what should work out, ill let life have the luxury of deciding for me, but i just need one good thing man. its so fucking hard to stay positive and headstrong when everything is going so comically bad. its hard to pick myself back up and keep moving sometimes. i know i have to, but i might take a few breaks to rest at rock bottom sometimes, since i keep coming back.

on another not so unrelated note, im growing increasingly aware that my girlfriend is not as naive as i thought she was. idk how to convey this in english, but im realizing shes using her mental illness and traumas to kinda "put me where she wants me" yk. i always end up doing exactly what she wants, even ignoring my own wants and needs sometimes. hmm. ill think about it when im not doing so bad mentally-dont wanna add another curl to the downward spiral

anyways, i really miss killing eve
believersneverdie: (Default)
i might be wrong about this, and doing affirmations for a distant/uncertain future might really work for some people, but i personally think that the key for having a good day is simply hoping and manifesting for a better tomorrow. just the next day.

i hope im more disciplined tomorrow than i was today. i hope im more focused tomorrow than i was today. i hope tomorrow i receive better news than i did today. i hope tomorrows more productive than today was.

simple as that- within my reach, palpable, obtainable.

today was good. i managed my time surprisingly well- way better than what im used to. i spent quite sometime making content online and still found willpower to study for nearly two hours, and they were quite productive. im slowly building trust in myself to do the chores i plan to. have been studying for three days straight- it might not seem like a lot, but i really struggle with consistency and i consider it the most important part of learning how to study properly and absorbing what youve learned.

i made myself proud today, and yesterday too. i hope i can be even better tomorrow! i hope tomorrow im able to study for more hours, be more creative and get up a bit earlier

still, im very grateful for today

also isnt this cute?

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i love stars !! ✮
thats it, goodbye for now <3
believersneverdie: (Default)
today was the best day of the year so far-ive done small amounts of everything ive been postponing. i started studying mandarin and filmed a little bit of the process, started studying for this years college applications and posted online! i didnt spend much time on any of these things but id still call today a success. i saw a quote somewhere that really changed my perspective on life, it was something along the lines of "its better to do something half assed than nothing at all."

if your goal is to, lets say, study 3 hours daily, but you can only complete one full hour, its better to study that hour than to rot in bed feeling sorry for yourself.

when youre lost in the darkness, look for the light. you cant wait for a miracle- it wont come. you have to save yourself

ill try to avoid perceiving the road to my achievements as torturous. ill try to enjoy the process
believersneverdie: (Default)
i had a pretty chill day today. woke up at 7:30am and actually felt good about it, a few hours later had brunch with my gf and everything went really well. the weather was hot as hell, but at least the sky was pretty.. the afternoon came and went and it wasnt anything out of the ordinary, but for some reason im feeling anxious now, at 2:06am. im trying to sleep but i cant, i feel restless and my thoughts are annoying me and i cant seem to dodge them. hopefully my mind will shut up and ill fall asleep soon enough
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