we do it in the dark with smiles on our faces

i had the kind of depression that just made me feel numb-i never felt anything back when i was younger. i didnt feel sad and i never felt anything close to happiness. just a big, black, empty nothing. my hearts been feeling hollow again, but this time im feeling sad about it. must be because ive come such a long way, ive worked so hard to heal from my depression, and after a few years im getting this feeling i unfortunately recognize. im disappointed, i suppose. that seems to be the theme of the past few months

i think this sadness is also related about how hard it is to be vulnerable. like i said, i was very numb back when i was depressed, so i never really allowed myself to self reflect and figure out what the fuck i was feeling.
i get to sit with myself now. i think out loud, i pray, i try to understand and make sense of my feelings. must be why it feels so strange to have this familiar numbness but also trying to access it this time around. its like this new version of me has to deal with something shes never had to before, and trying to approach a familiar feeling in a completely different way.

progress, i guess ?

healing is never linear, i know, i know. i keep reminding myself that.

i dont know if anyone reads my posts. not that it matters, but itd be nice if theres anybody listening to me yell from the other side of this void. stay sexy, whoever you are

i might be wrong about this, and doing affirmations for a distant/uncertain future might really work for some people, but i personally think that the key for having a good day is simply hoping and manifesting for a better tomorrow. just the next day.

i hope im more disciplined tomorrow than i was today. i hope im more focused tomorrow than i was today. i hope tomorrow i receive better news than i did today. i hope tomorrows more productive than today was.

simple as that- within my reach, palpable, obtainable.

today was good. i managed my time surprisingly well- way better than what im used to. i spent quite sometime making content online and still found willpower to study for nearly two hours, and they were quite productive. im slowly building trust in myself to do the chores i plan to. have been studying for three days straight- it might not seem like a lot, but i really struggle with consistency and i consider it the most important part of learning how to study properly and absorbing what youve learned.

i made myself proud today, and yesterday too. i hope i can be even better tomorrow! i hope tomorrow im able to study for more hours, be more creative and get up a bit earlier

still, im very grateful for today

also isnt this cute?

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i love stars !! ✮
thats it, goodbye for now <3

i had a pretty chill day today. woke up at 7:30am and actually felt good about it, a few hours later had brunch with my gf and everything went really well. the weather was hot as hell, but at least the sky was pretty.. the afternoon came and went and it wasnt anything out of the ordinary, but for some reason im feeling anxious now, at 2:06am. im trying to sleep but i cant, i feel restless and my thoughts are annoying me and i cant seem to dodge them. hopefully my mind will shut up and ill fall asleep soon enough