we do it in the dark with smiles on our faces

There isn't much going on these days; it's still a lot of the same. But these days I spend my time sleeping, resting, doomscrolling, thinking, creating. I plan for a future that I'm not sure I want -- there are elements of it that I want, for sure, but I sometimes wonder if it's the mere act of planning for the future that is enough to send me into a spiral and a shut down.

( nameless days )

( smithing and femininity/gender presentation? )

i'm still so burnt out and burned by the life I left behind that I am ultimately looking for spaces that let me expand past all of it. I'm still not where I want to be, but I am a lot further from where I was. 

There are a lot more things that I want to write but I had acid reflux and need to eat so hopefully I'll check back in and brain dump again soon.

I haven't written anything about relationships or friendships even if that has been what I've been building most, mostly because it's still so personal and mostly because I can't put them into words yet. All I can say now is that I think my relationships are at the minimum more honest and at its best, stronger. I'm learning a lot more about myself these days, and how I can undo a lot of relationship wounding. But at the same time, I've learned to be more secure in my friendships, learning to be less awful to myself, learning how to feel present and safe with my friends. Learning how to let people in in the ways that really matter. My relationship with myself is what has changed most.

Even if the days are still hard, I have smiled more these days, and I'm seeing that there might come a time when I can be really happy. I am working to get there. I am trying my best. Please cheer me on.

今僕がいる未来に向けて